2004 California trip

Just got back from the trip to LA – Matt's BD, Kyle's surprise 50th BD party, Regina's transition…………

Too much to write about now – I need to process it more. Here's what I'll be thinking about as I fly off to Chicago for a meeting tomorrow and Wednesday (not in any particular order):

* Regina – her transition from marriage to divorce is proving difficult with her alcoholism. Seems to be in denial. Not sure how I can help. The visit with her was cut a bit short as I felt it was too toxic an environment for Ryan and I. I love her so much but given what I went through with my Mom………. too many issues came up that created a sense of “deja vue”. Need to pray and think about all of this.

The good news is Vincent (my nephew) is coming up for the first week of August for a visit. First time ever! I hope I can be a positive source of emotional and spiritual support for him.

* Kyle – our friendship has stood the test of time. Her family planned a surprise 50th BD party for her – I was charged with taking her out for the day so they could prepare everything! She really was surprised because they had a “party” for her two days before with just the family.

They invited EVERYONE. I saw Gwen and Gail – twins I knew from Jr. High!! Wow….. this was on the last day we were there. Ryan and I left the party at midnight to begin our journey (drive) home. The Jetta's glow plug warning light came on about 50 miles from home. Manual says to take it to a dealer “as soon as possible” as it means there's something amiss in this system of the car. Cruise control stopped at the same time – may be a computer glitch??? ugh….

* Money – as usual – spent waaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much. The next 6 months are going to be difficult financially.

* Matt – his 23rd birthday. He's really gone now – I sensed a definite difference in him, in our relationship, in everything. I suppose that's good, right? Kids grow up and move away….. part of the process, right?? All needs to be processed, and prayed about. I want to be a good mother and let go without losing him completely. Bought him clothes (which he even acknowledged he needed) and paid for an oil change (100% synthetic) and tank of gas for his car. His car's oil stick showed NO OIL registering when we got there….. wow……. I guess he won't learn until he has no transportation, no job……… Why do we all have to learn things the hard way?

50 years young!

Today is my birthday – 50 years young!

I feel very content with life right now. Emotionally and spiritually; I've never felt better! Could stand to lose a few pounds which I'm going to attempt with all my discipline beginning tomorrow! I'd like to look slimmer when Ryan and I go to California to visit at the end of June.

Had a little family party at Steve's house – “from scratch” carrot cake baked by Jen was delicious!

Steve is buying the parts and helping me build a “pondless waterfall” in my backyard as my birthday gift! Yea Steve! We will start digging next weekend! It will be very nice to go in the backyard and hear the sound of a gentle waterfall this summer.

Ryan's gift is to help us dig the containment hole for the pondless waterfall – hard work but it will be worth it!

Ryan's 18th Birthday

18 years ago today, Ryan came into the world! It was such a special day for me, personally. I can't believe how much he's grown as a person in the last year. He's such a sensitive, beautiful soul! I hope I can help him see how beautiful he is, and how much he has to offer the world!

He and I saw the new movie – “Troy” – which was GREAT! Then we went out to dinner (Bahama Breeze – relatively new restaurant by Southcenter) yesterday (Sunday). Today he took the day off of school, I went to my last State Programs meeting in the AM and my peers in that group took me out to lunch and gave me a $100 gift certificate at Gene Juarez for a “farewell” celebration. I'll miss each and every one of them! I've worked with almost all of them for over 10 years and I have been blessed to know them!

Then this afternoon Ryan and I went to the Family Fun Center and played miniature golf and air hockey (he cleaned my clock at the latter – I won golf by a stroke!). Then we played some video games and while doing so, it started to rain and I had left the top down on my Saab – wow – I can't believe how it can go from sunny, clear skies to raining in a couple of hours! No harm done though.

Brett came over (so good to see him) and so did Steve. We had cake and sang happy birthday to Ryan. We sure missed having Matt here with us!

It's hard having half my heart in LA all the time!

Mother's Day – 2004

2004 will go down as the BEST Mother’s Day for me EVER!

First – Matt surprised me with a visit home! I had no idea he was coming – in fact – he told me he was going to New York with some film school buddies to work on a movie and lo and behold – Friday night at about midnight – he shows up!

At first, I was absolutely petrified when the door bell rang at almost midnight! It took me a while to believe it was him – and my knees shook for almost two hours I was so excited!!!

We had a GREAT weekend – he and I caught up with what’s going on and he spent a lot of time with his good friend! Sunday we went to brunch at Red Robin and then he went home!! I love Matt and Ryan with all my heart!

Unfortunately, Ryan had a seizure Saturday – we’re not sure why – he didn’t miss any medication or anything but Friday’s sleep was interrupted so that’s the only thing we can point to. ugh…. I feel so bad for him. He’s such a sweetheart and so sensitive about things. I love him so very much and wish I could make the seizures go away all together. He’s a real trooper though and drove to the Mother’s Day brunch to show his brother how good he can drive.

I got a beautiful Celtic Cross for our Teeko/Rajah Memorial Garden!

The tree from Claudia was killed when a very large branch from the large fir tree fell on it and crushed it completely so it was time to revamp. It’s going to be beautiful when I get the Memorial Garden complete!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you and may God bless each and every one of you as much as I’ve been blessed!

My New Job

Good news – I have accepted a position at my same company – “Product Manager”.

Beginning May 3rd, I’ll be working half-time at my new position, and half-time at my current position.

I think I’ll like my new boss – he’s new to the company – from Arkansas and seems very nice.

Back Yard Renovation

I found a pond for sale through craigslist.org – regularly $198 and they wanted $45. So…… I picked it up Saturday and that gave me the energy to begin working on the back yard renovation.

First thing to do is cut down the two cedar trees that are located right where the waterfall is going. Steve brought over his trusty chain saw and Ryan and I cleaned up after.

pressure cooker

Going to work now is like going into the heart of a pressure cooker.

One state agency tells us to do something, and the other state agency contradicts that.

I can't recall a time EVER where I have felt so overwhelmed.

I hate going to work now….

I did get a call regarding an Executive Director position at an “assisted living facility” I applied for recently – salary is much less than what I'm making now….

Damn….. what I wouldn't give for a firm job offer at this point…….

ugh….

abandonment

Someone I love told me recently:

“as life circumstances change, you take that as a person abandoning you.  Life changes.  People don't necessarily change in regard to you.   But you seem to change in regard to them.”

Upon reading this, my first reaction was to wonder why they would tell me that now? Is it because it is Lent and they felt that I could deal with that kind of input now – as well as all the other stuff I'm dealing with? Then I thought about it……….. and I realized that they couldn't have known all the other crap being tossed my way because I have withdrawn from what was once a very close friendship. So I simply responded to their email with an “Ok”.

After thinking about it for a while now, I have come to the understanding that:

Once trust is broken – the wound goes deep, and healing is a life-long process.

If a soul experiences numerous instances of broken trust, the wound goes deeper and the scar tissue thicker with each broken relationship.

That is all I'll say about that right now.

I am facing unemployment soon – and am frightened. We love our house – it is my priority and I will do whatever I can to keep it. My boss is a nice person but she has shown me that she cannot deal with all of this in a professional, compassionate manner. She is sending me very mixed messages – on the one hand, she told me the CFO said they would “take care of me”. On the other hand, she tells me she “thinks I'll be OK”. HR says I have to submit an application and resume for each position I may be interested in – which isn't very supportive at all.

I wonder what a nervous breakdown feels like?

Shadow

As I prepare myself for tomorrow – I am struck by the feud unfolding amongst a few of Matt's friends. The idea of one's “shadow” or “dark side” has come up and I find myself confronting my own.

My “shadow” is painful to even contemplate. It has caused considerable emotional pain for those I have loved the most – especially Matt & Ryan.

I will not go into that any further at the moment. I need more time to consider it.

Just know that I love Matt & Ryan more than life itself. Anything I have done, or said, that has caused either of them pain is my cross to bare as I know it cannot be undone, or unsaid.