As I prepare myself for tomorrow – I am struck by the feud unfolding amongst a few of Matt's friends. The idea of one's “shadow” or “dark side” has come up and I find myself confronting my own.

My “shadow” is painful to even contemplate. It has caused considerable emotional pain for those I have loved the most – especially Matt & Ryan.

I will not go into that any further at the moment. I need more time to consider it.

Just know that I love Matt & Ryan more than life itself. Anything I have done, or said, that has caused either of them pain is my cross to bare as I know it cannot be undone, or unsaid.


First thing Monday – when approximately 50 people get to work – they will be told the programs they support are being sold. I work with these people every day – they are GOOD people. My heart aches with knowing this – I wish I could do something to make it all end but it is a “done deal” so to speak. All that's left is for the state agencies to approve the sale – and there's no reason to believe they won't. It's been done before – much in the same manner. I am now turning my focus to making the transition as easy as possible for our members.

My boss's new boss had a meeting last week in which he presented his “vision” for the future for the department. All the same BS I've heard before – nothing new at all. However he did have one thing I wrote down:

Life is change — change is opportunity

I have to add that the above is ONLY true if Life is approached with an ATTITUDE that supports that view. All too often my attitude has interfered with seeing the “opportunity” in a situation – for that awareness, I am grateful to him. However, I introduced myself to him at the break – remember he was suppose to meet with my boss and I when she told me about the sale. What I came away with was the blackness in his eyes (and his soul). I don't know how to explain it but there was something very dark about him. I will keep my guard up with respect to him – hear that Angels dear??

There's a lot of emotional pain and drama going on with my son's friends right now. Unfortunately politics has a way of doing that if we don't accept each other just as they are. Our human nature is one of needing acceptance – when political ideologies make that difficult among FRIENDS – our love and compassion for each other MUST take over.


You CANNOT change anyone but YOU.

When you try to change how someone feels or believes – you send a message that who they are is somehow not good enough – thus the emotional pain begins. Then our ego gets in the way and won't allow the healing power of humility and love to intervene. That's all I'll say about that.

My prayer is that a battalion of Angels will descend and guide us all.

Trust – Perception

Okay. My stomach has hurt all day, every day, since last Thursday. My boss (Lyn) asked me today how I was doing and I told her I felt better after the weekend but that my stomach had hurt all day, every day since. She said that will go away once we get resolution on a new position. hmmmmmmm That sounds positive doesn't yet?

And yet, I can't help but wonder why:

1. On February 12th, after she shared a 3 year plan in a staff meeting that showed HO/BH going away, I asked her point blank during a special appointment I set up the next day – should I be looking for a job? Her very prompt response was “no” – even though she knew about all of this at that time.

2. When she had to tell me about this because they were going to announce it any day now last Thursday – she set up an “Important Meeting” with her, me, and her new boss – Frank – who's been there all of one month and who I've never met.

3. I arrive at the meeting last Thursday – and we wait for Frank – and he doesn't show up for 20 minutes so she takes me in his office and closes the door. She looked at me and said “this is one of the hardest things I've had to do and I came prepared”. She then brought out some Kleenux. As she proceeded to tell me, of course I started to tear up and cry. Now why in the hell would she want her new boss – who I have never met – to experience me for the first time in that situation, under those circumstances?????

4. She also emphasized numerous times in the conversation that I should go talk to Nancy in HR. I asked her specifically if it was to formalize my new position or “just to talk”. She said “just to have someone to talk to”.

Why? Why did she look me straight in the eye and lie about looking for a job after the staff meeting??? I get the feeling she's trying to cover her bases – like maybe she would be in trouble for answering my question about looking for a job with a “no” under the circumstances???? That's probably why she wanted her boss there when she told me – to be a witness to what was said??? I can't figure out why she would want him to meet me for the first time under those circumstances. It doesn't make any sense if she is serious about wanting me to get another job in the company. It does make sense if she's trying to cover her bases. I don't know.

All I know is I'm sick to my stomach, every day, all day, and it feels just like it did when Mark and I separated. The anxiety is overwhelming. Woke up at 2:45 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. ugh…… I never thought I would feel this way again……..


Monday – the first day back at the office after learning about the sale of my programs to Molina. Me with the “internal consultant” handling things – confirmed that I'm going to be in charge of the “termination workplan”. Geeze………

We also have the state site visit scheduled for May 4th – doubt the state will allow us to cancel – even with the sale of the programs because it is technically a contract compliance review from last year.

Don't know how I can handle both. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about.

Tried to call the “head hunter” today – we exchanged voice messages – again.

I found out through Google via his phone number what firm he's representing so I went to their website and started a “digital resume”. Doing that made me even sicker to my stomach.

There's gotta be an easier way…….


Countdown to Lent

Today was an absolutely beautiful day! Sunny, warm……. seemed almost like Spring! Went out and cleaned up the area around our mail boxes. Karen use to maintain that when she owned the house up front but the 'new' neighbors haven't so……… I took out all the dead plants. I want to make it “maintenance free” as much as possible so I'll probably put down some black plastic and throw some landscape rocks on it. That way it will look clean and not need much attention. Maybe I should do that to the whole yard??? Seems I can't keep up with things like I use to. Just don't have the motivation or energy for it. Maybe when Spring really does get here I'll feel more motivated!

I finally slept a little last night, after not sleeping for a couple of nights at all. I find myself wondering what my life is all about – it's amazing what “losing” your job does to your sense of self! I absolutely know my JOB isn't what my LIFE is about but it sure was/is a big part of it!

Now I haven't actually “lost” my job yet but it is only a matter of time. With the two products I'm responsible for being sold, it won't be long before my services will no longer be needed. There will be “run out” claims and probably some transition work to be done as well as reporting responsibilities for about a year but they won't really need me to facilitate all of that – or maybe they will. Who knows??? That's what is driving me nuts right now – I DON'T LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT I'LL BE DOING FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

Okay…….. see how truly insecure I am??? Perhaps my terrific need for security and predictability comes from my LACK of these while growing up?? Yes…. that does make sense. But if I understand that intellectually, why can't I integrate that within my psyche and move beyond it??? ugh…..

Perhaps I should welcome Lent this year for a change. I feel so stuck right now. Feel paralyzed emotionally, physically, and most important, spiritually. My heart aches for God and yet I feel so paralyzed???? Whatever…….. a small voice is saying…. 'trust'

Trust – not something I do easily. That sounds like a good Lenten theme…… what would it mean to truly TRUST God?? hmmmmmmmmm


Found out last Thursday (2/18/04) that the company I work for is selling the two programs I manage – that means I have to find a new job.

Options at this point appear to be:

1. Get another job in the same company. Is this possible? Perhaps. Will it be as fulfilling as what I've been doing – probably not. Helping those less fortunate with health insurance has been the only thing that has made my job worthwhile.

2. Get another job at the company that's buying the programs. Is this possible? Don't know. I do know the people managing the other company and they are very competent. Not sure why they would need me at all given who they already have.

3. Get another job at a different company. Is this possible? Perhaps. For the first time in my whole career a “head hunter” or “Executive Search” company called me about a VP job at a company that only does health for the poor. Could be something worth pursuing. However, without a college degree it could be pretty tough. I did get what college credits I do have together as I want to go to UW evening degree program.

What to do, what to do.

And it isn't a coincidence that Ash Wednesday is next week and here comes Lent. I hate Lent. Nothing but trouble – that's what Lent is. It is also a time to examine what's working in my life, and what's not working. What's not working is my job, and my finances. Now the finances not working isn't a new thing – but it's worse than ever now that Mark isn't paying any more child support. Wow…… I'm turning 50 this year. I better start getting it together pretty soon, huh?

I always take the last fortune cookie when we go out for chinese food. Tonight it said: “You will be made stronger by adversity”

wow…… here comes Lent.