shawnna.org

Today was an absolutely beautiful day! Sunny, warm……. seemed almost like Spring! Went out and cleaned up the area around our mail boxes. Karen use to maintain that when she owned the house up front but the 'new' neighbors haven't so……… I took out all the dead plants. I want to make it “maintenance free” as much as possible so I'll probably put down some black plastic and throw some landscape rocks on it. That way it will look clean and not need much attention. Maybe I should do that to the whole yard??? Seems I can't keep up with things like I use to. Just don't have the motivation or energy for it. Maybe when Spring really does get here I'll feel more motivated!

I finally slept a little last night, after not sleeping for a couple of nights at all. I find myself wondering what my life is all about – it's amazing what “losing” your job does to your sense of self! I absolutely know my JOB isn't what my LIFE is about but it sure was/is a big part of it!

Now I haven't actually “lost” my job yet but it is only a matter of time. With the two products I'm responsible for being sold, it won't be long before my services will no longer be needed. There will be “run out” claims and probably some transition work to be done as well as reporting responsibilities for about a year but they won't really need me to facilitate all of that – or maybe they will. Who knows??? That's what is driving me nuts right now – I DON'T LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT I'LL BE DOING FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

Okay…….. see how truly insecure I am??? Perhaps my terrific need for security and predictability comes from my LACK of these while growing up?? Yes…. that does make sense. But if I understand that intellectually, why can't I integrate that within my psyche and move beyond it??? ugh…..

Perhaps I should welcome Lent this year for a change. I feel so stuck right now. Feel paralyzed emotionally, physically, and most important, spiritually. My heart aches for God and yet I feel so paralyzed???? Whatever…….. a small voice is saying…. 'trust'

Trust – not something I do easily. That sounds like a good Lenten theme…… what would it mean to truly TRUST God?? hmmmmmmmmm

Found out last Thursday (2/18/04) that the company I work for is selling the two programs I manage – that means I have to find a new job.

Options at this point appear to be:

1. Get another job in the same company. Is this possible? Perhaps. Will it be as fulfilling as what I've been doing – probably not. Helping those less fortunate with health insurance has been the only thing that has made my job worthwhile.

2. Get another job at the company that's buying the programs. Is this possible? Don't know. I do know the people managing the other company and they are very competent. Not sure why they would need me at all given who they already have.

3. Get another job at a different company. Is this possible? Perhaps. For the first time in my whole career a “head hunter” or “Executive Search” company called me about a VP job at a company that only does health for the poor. Could be something worth pursuing. However, without a college degree it could be pretty tough. I did get what college credits I do have together as I want to go to UW evening degree program.

What to do, what to do.

And it isn't a coincidence that Ash Wednesday is next week and here comes Lent. I hate Lent. Nothing but trouble – that's what Lent is. It is also a time to examine what's working in my life, and what's not working. What's not working is my job, and my finances. Now the finances not working isn't a new thing – but it's worse than ever now that Mark isn't paying any more child support. Wow…… I'm turning 50 this year. I better start getting it together pretty soon, huh?

I always take the last fortune cookie when we go out for chinese food. Tonight it said: “You will be made stronger by adversity”

wow…… here comes Lent.