Authentic relationships

What does it mean to be truly authentic in a relationship? Is it possible to genuinely love someone without authenticity?

Succumbing to our emotions leads to disaster in relationship. Emotions end up diminishing and eventually blocking authentic love. No relationship, sacred or otherwise, can assure mutual growth if those involved use their emotions as THE foundation for that relationship.

When relationships are founded on feelings and emotions, it is like being in a never-ending drama given the natural swing in emotions and feelings we all share. One day you feel hurt (for whatever reason) and you end up expressing that hurt or shutting down. The next day you are infatuated and happy and express those feelings as well. No love can last in that whirlwind of emotional drama.

This is the choice you have. You can love someone without truly entering an authentic relationship with them – this is a friendship. Or you can choose to face the sometimes difficult challenges that an authentic relationship brings to assure mutual growth in love. This means being willing to face your own ego, confront your own expectations and have your own judgments revealed. Anything less means you do not really want authentic love.

Authentic relationships growing in love requires each to be conscious of their ego-based expectations. To illustrate how toxic it is otherwise, let’s look at an example. Let’s imagine that our ego wants to believe and see our partner as only a kind person. Empowering this ego-based emotion says that being kind is a good thing and we feel pleasure. But what happens when our partner actually is less then kind? Can the ego accept this all-too-human trait of acting less than kind some of the time? Has your ego created the potential for disaster in the relationship? Ego-based projections, expectations and hopes are not love. They actually block authentic love from growing.

What about infatuation? Are we bringing authenticity into a relationship based on infatuation? I humbly submit we are not. We are simply projecting our emotional expectations onto our beloved. And the truth is what we have really done is taken our own unique story including our reactions to our parents and other assorted experiences and have built a model of who we want to be in love with. This ego-based fantasy model is then used as a ruler to judge anyone we may think will match that model. If they come close to our model, we say we are in love but the truth is we are simply having an affair with a fantasy created by our ego.

Long term relationships will not grow in love if based on this projection of fantasy, or delusion. All people have two sides. The more someone projects their own “goodness”, the better they have learned to mask their “badness” but this masking will eventually subside and their authentic self will surface when in relationship to another. No one is only “good” or only “bad”. They only present the half they think you want to see because your projection won’t let them in if they were real and showed you both halves. You get what you want in the short term, the fantasy, but in the long term you get reality. Can you let go of your illusion of what it means to love another wholly and without judgment? Can your ego let go of the illusion/fantasy you’ve created of your ideal partner?

The first step is to authentically love yourself – including that part of you that you may think about masking when trying to gain the attention of another. How can you love yourself if you can’t accept 100% of yourself? You’ll end up your whole life in confession or asking forgiveness for being human. Is that self love, ashamed of who you really are?

What does it mean to grow in love? Romance, devotion, authenticity, shared success, happiness, dedication and family do not come to you, they come from you when you first learn to love authentically yourself, and then others who are blessed to cross your Life’s path.

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