Many years ago, I read a wonderful book about discovering what fuels our internal passions in life. While the title, Fire in the Belly, On Being a Man, is obviously written for the male reader, the Life Truth’s within this book apply to all.

How many people do you know who explore their passion in Life? How many do you even know who can articulate their own Life’s passion? I can count the people I personally know on one hand – and that is very sad. I do believe the reason so many are depressed and engage in unhealthy behaviors is because our culture does not foster a spiritual path leading to discovering one’s Purpose (aka “passion”).

But I’m digressing – let me bring this back to my original intent for this entry.

One of my greatest challenge as a parent was to foster an environment for my sons to find their passion – Matt, my oldest, has done just that.

My son, Matt, is a film maker.

It is his gift, and his passion in life. We should all be so blessed to have something we love so much that we are willing to sacrifice significant creature comforts to pursue. And Matt has sacrificed much to pursue his life’s passion.

My son is also passionate about Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. When Matt first introduced me to Mixed Martial Arts, I was repulsed at the obvious violence. I kept my mind open and Matt shared with me a spiritual dimension of those he knows involved in the sport – I was hooked.

Some of you will question how a combat sport can be “spiritual” – I understand. Matt’s documentary shows how this sport can help those involved evolve spiritually. It truly is a wonderful documentary that does just that.

His test screening played to a full house at the Northwest Film Forum’s small auditorium (it holds 49 people). It really was a very successful event. Matt required those who attended to fill out a survey sheet so he can take their candid input and continue to refine his film.

My heartfelt prayers for Matt’s continued success in pursuing his passion, and his own spiritual path.

I always look for the Life Lesson in every relationship or situation.  I’m getting better at being able to see it earlier but this most recent situation took me completely by surprise.  Thus it’s taking a bit for me to process how people I believed were ‘friends’ can turn so quickly.  I guess you could call this the first step in that process.

In the course of other research, I found an excellent – albeit academic – article that explains how and why people believe things even when given factual information to the contrary. Interestingly enough, I found the first Life Lesson for this – as well as many other relationship situations – within this article.

With respect to this specific situation, here’s the relevant excerpt from page 183:

Basically, once we have determined someone is a ‘friend’, we will be more attuned to evidence that supports that determination than evidence to the contrary. This is important in my current experience as all I ever saw were the ‘hugs’ and other forms of positive feedback given from these two individuals rather than anything that might indicate something else. As I reflect back, there were numerous indications that these ‘friends’…………. were not as I thought.

Now here’s an interesting excerpt as well. How often have you found yourself attracted to someone, only to realize that the feelings were not reciprocated – at least to the level you thought? We also have a tendency to ‘learn’ relationships that do not exist. From the same page of the article (had to break it down into two images as the section moved to a new column):

…. the presumption of a relationship predisposes one to find evidence of that relationship……………… or…… to overweight it and arrive at a conclusion that goes beyond what the evidence justifies.

Indeed.

NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever try to read between the lines. Just accept what is being said at face value and take one day at a time. If it is meant to be, it will be.

Period.

There is a common theme running in my life right now and if I’ve learned anything, it’s to PAY ATTENTION when that happens. I’m paying attention!

We all like to be in control. Being in control gives us a sense of personal power and it is an important aspect to self-esteem. It can also be quite damaging to relationships of all kinds if that sense of personal power and need to be ‘in control’ extends to those we care for.

It seems to me that the greatest challenge in any relationship is unconditionally accepting the other for who they are. Not who you want or need them to be – just who they are.

In exploring the Kabbalah, I’ve learned a concept called “receiving for the sake of sharing”. Understanding this is helped by comparing it to another expression of giving. That is to give – time, energy, money, love, affection, wisdom, lessons – whatever the receiver wants. Compare this to asking for help and permitting the other person to give – doing this we end up actually helping them. Asking can be another way of giving.

Being in control in a relationship stems from an internal need. Injecting Love and Light into a relationship comes from the Soul. We all have issues and we all have to help each other go outside ourselves so our species can evolve and grow. If the Souls are meant to be together, the chemistry and the potential are there. Wisdom is recognizing the need to be in control when in a relationship with another versus the Soul’s purpose of bringing Love and Light. Letting go of the need to control fosters intimacy and can deepen the bond between Souls.

My oldest son Matt is the most authentic individual I know.

Even though he lives with me – we rarely see each other. I try to stay tuned to what’s going on with him by reading his livejournal. And this entry today made me weep with joy at who he has become.

First, Matt has never, ever been a material kind of kid. He’s painfully idealistic and always true to himself. I truly admire him – most of the time.

He does have a tendency toward self-centered behavior – especially when it involves his film work. It is something I’m afraid he will always struggle with.

Obviously, his heart is in the right place.

This is his livejournal entry from today.

I was offered to instruct two more youth programs with 911 media arts center. Initially I was a bit turned off by the idea. I sat down with the education director, and she proceeded to tell me how much of a difference I have made with these programs. They had been trying, all through 2006, to run a program from beginning to start. Each instructor they found had dropped out. Or the students couldn’t relate to, and hence dropped out. The program earlier this year that I had run, was the only one to successfully make it to completion. This is also with only 8 youth completing it with a finished project. I felt like a failure much of the time, but the reality I guess, was that these kids felt like they understood what I said, and enjoyed it. When I went to L.A. earlier this year, the program 911 had set up for the summer, fell through, because they couldn’t find a suitable instructor. They had two people come in, and neither saw it through.

I look at some of these kids, and I can’t believe how disadvantaged they are. They have no critical thinking skills. No media literacy skills. No hope of learning these things that I take for granted. Indeed these are the people that advertisers dupe into repeatedly parting with their meager but hard earned dollars. These are the stupid people, or the ones that the people at the top of the food chain hope, for their sake, remain stupid.

It made me feel so good to teach them. To make friends with them, and share what knowledge I could.

I was told that this time would be different. I would have full reign over what was taught, and it is indeed, up to me what these kids learn.

I feel honored. A bit intimidated. I had other ideas about next year. Perhaps finally finding a good gig where I can be a normal consuming member of American society. I feel this is more important.

I shall be the head instructor of two separate youth programs next year. In conjunction with 911 media arts center, and the Seattle office of arts and cultural affairs.

Again, I will be paid off of grants that come into the media center. So I wont see any of the money until the middle of next year.

This scares me. But deep down I know what is important.

I told Tess the other night that I was not afraid to die, and I have been thinking about it. I am not. I feel I am living authentically. That is the source of my strength, and my peace. I cannot deny what is inside, and what I want to do.

Teaching young people who do not know things I have been lucky enough to learn at a very young age is more important then whatever I would end up doing in a monetary driven mindset.

Time for BJJ.

“BJJ” is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu – that is his other passion.

What does it mean to be truly authentic in a relationship? Is it possible to genuinely love someone without authenticity?

Succumbing to our emotions leads to disaster in relationship. Emotions end up diminishing and eventually blocking authentic love. No relationship, sacred or otherwise, can assure mutual growth if those involved use their emotions as THE foundation for that relationship.

When relationships are founded on feelings and emotions, it is like being in a never-ending drama given the natural swing in emotions and feelings we all share. One day you feel hurt (for whatever reason) and you end up expressing that hurt or shutting down. The next day you are infatuated and happy and express those feelings as well. No love can last in that whirlwind of emotional drama.

This is the choice you have. You can love someone without truly entering an authentic relationship with them – this is a friendship. Or you can choose to face the sometimes difficult challenges that an authentic relationship brings to assure mutual growth in love. This means being willing to face your own ego, confront your own expectations and have your own judgments revealed. Anything less means you do not really want authentic love.

Authentic relationships growing in love requires each to be conscious of their ego-based expectations. To illustrate how toxic it is otherwise, let’s look at an example. Let’s imagine that our ego wants to believe and see our partner as only a kind person. Empowering this ego-based emotion says that being kind is a good thing and we feel pleasure. But what happens when our partner actually is less then kind? Can the ego accept this all-too-human trait of acting less than kind some of the time? Has your ego created the potential for disaster in the relationship? Ego-based projections, expectations and hopes are not love. They actually block authentic love from growing.

What about infatuation? Are we bringing authenticity into a relationship based on infatuation? I humbly submit we are not. We are simply projecting our emotional expectations onto our beloved. And the truth is what we have really done is taken our own unique story including our reactions to our parents and other assorted experiences and have built a model of who we want to be in love with. This ego-based fantasy model is then used as a ruler to judge anyone we may think will match that model. If they come close to our model, we say we are in love but the truth is we are simply having an affair with a fantasy created by our ego.

Long term relationships will not grow in love if based on this projection of fantasy, or delusion. All people have two sides. The more someone projects their own “goodness”, the better they have learned to mask their “badness” but this masking will eventually subside and their authentic self will surface when in relationship to another. No one is only “good” or only “bad”. They only present the half they think you want to see because your projection won’t let them in if they were real and showed you both halves. You get what you want in the short term, the fantasy, but in the long term you get reality. Can you let go of your illusion of what it means to love another wholly and without judgment? Can your ego let go of the illusion/fantasy you’ve created of your ideal partner?

The first step is to authentically love yourself – including that part of you that you may think about masking when trying to gain the attention of another. How can you love yourself if you can’t accept 100% of yourself? You’ll end up your whole life in confession or asking forgiveness for being human. Is that self love, ashamed of who you really are?

What does it mean to grow in love? Romance, devotion, authenticity, shared success, happiness, dedication and family do not come to you, they come from you when you first learn to love authentically yourself, and then others who are blessed to cross your Life’s path.