A couple of days ago, I shared this information with you.

Now here’s the rest of this sad woman’s story.

And a PDF is here if that disappears.

What a perfect example of a bright, articulate, and talented woman driven (or led?) to suicide by a combination of defining herself by what she “does”, rather than who she “is” and an intense interest in some deep, dark esoteric topics. This dangerous combination literally drove her to suicide at age 40. With her very bright and talented significant other following her a week later.

Very, very sad.

PS – regardless of whether or not she was ‘suicided’ as some are speculating, she was still a very sad soul.

What’s painfully unclear to me at this point is whether or not her penchant for being so ‘out there’ with respect to her paranoia (regardless of whether or not it was based in fact) ended up pissing off certain people who didn’t give a rats ass whether she lived or died.

How often does it seem so right initially – only to turn out so wrong?

Seems it happens all the time. What’s the Lesson in this? It will take some reflection before it becomes clear.

Now that I have my new Canon Rebel XTi, I want to take beautiful photos like this.

Why do people find it so hard to just be real? The mindgames they play – especially with those who love them – in order to avoid dealing with the real stuff relationships are made of is very sad.

Instead of just telling me straight up “I’m not ready to talk with you about us”, they go on about stuff as if nothing’s happened between us. And that feels very hurtful.

And let’s see – what does anger hide? Hurt. Yes – when I respond in anger – it is because I am feeling hurt.

So the Lesson here is quite simple. My ‘game’ is avoiding my hurt by expressing my anger. I can’t speak for anyone else’s game. But mine is once again – crystal clear.

Lesson Learned – at least for today.

“The single most important decision any of us will ever make is whether or not to believe the universe is friendly.” Albert Einstein

Fear and Love are the two primary forces behind human emotions. Fear is behind the behaviour of killing one another, and Love is behind dying for one another. Note the extremes.

Fear is a natural response to danger that in an instant tells the mind how to anticipate and avoid potential peril or problems. This is the “fight or flight” decision typically made in the heat of the moment.

However, this natural response stems from the irrational part of the mind that knows no logic and simply responds to conditioning experienced before. People whose lives have been filled with fear often continue to be afraid long after the potential danger has been removed, making up their own, irrational, reasons.

Chronic fear is debilitating. Chronic fear weakens the body and soul and can be tied directly to addiction, heart conditions, nervous disorders, stress, depression and paranoia.

This is especially dangerous when it affects those with economic or political power as it impacts decision-making capabilities and distances people from the real consequences of their actions.

And of more importance for this consideration is the natural result of fear is to act selfishly without regard for the well-being of others.

Love is well understood as a selfless devotion to someone – a determination to do right and to encourage and care for them. By focusing our attention away from money or material goods, Love helps us live our humanity.

Imagine too, the difference in choices some governments would make if their primary driving force were NOT fear???

But I digress…… for some reason, I migrate toward the macro level. Let’s get back to the personal level of which driving force guides the choices we make.

Personally, the awareness of what driving force – FEAR or LOVE – is behind any choice, emotion or feeling I have is the greatest Life Lesson.

I’ve always been the ‘tough one’. The one who could handle anything.

During one of my weekly sessions with Claudia, I shared with her my experience of understanding the overwhelming anger associated with the desire to kill someone.

And that understanding came from one experience during the separation my ex-husband and I went through. Sitting in a car with him, arguing over something (doesn’t matter what), he said to me “I don’t know that I ever really loved you”.

In that moment, as God is my witness, if I had had a gun, he would be dead – I would have gone to prison and my sons would have been raised by one of their alcoholic relatives.

And that is the God’s truth. I would have killed him then and there if I had had the means.

That is the main reason I will not have weapons in our home. Not because I’m philosophically opposed to weapons – but because I know the anger – and thus potential harm – I’m capable of. I also have seen the same capacity for anger in both of my sons.

And anger masks fear.

At any rate, it was in the course of this session with Claudia that I learned the importance of understanding, and being honest, if only with myself, about my underlying feelings. And those feelings stem from only two primary driving forces – FEAR or LOVE.

And if I take the time to actually reflect on things, every single act I engage in stems from one of those two driving forces: FEAR or LOVE.

Awareness of which primary driving force is underlying your choices – in any given moment – is the key to consciously living. For it is only with that awareness you can choose to change which primary force drives your choices; fear or love.